somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I need help removing her.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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