I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
