Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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