The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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