ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
