Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
