Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
