Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
