Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
