I can tuck mytits in my pants
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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