I love black thongs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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