Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
