So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
