my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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