After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
