My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
