I hate all girls vehemently.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
