I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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