Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
