I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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