You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
