I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
