who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i drank out of a bidet.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i out mim tonsoeep
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