How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
