1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
