your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
