he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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