I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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