Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
