I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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