my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
