you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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