I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
