I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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