What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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