I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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