How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
