shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
