Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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