Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
