I skipped work to stalk him.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
