How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
