So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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