Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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