My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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