Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
