I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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