i just wanna soil my oats bro
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My cat gives me a boner
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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