Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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