I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
