ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
