God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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