i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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