i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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