She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
