I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
