Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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