Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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