she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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