I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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